5 Times the Fantasy Universe Introduced Gun Control (Which Worked Out Great)

humor, listicles

1. Harry Potter – Hogwarts

Under the sagacious leadership of Dolores Umbridge, the Ministry of Magic made the decision to forego “martial magic” in favor of the much more civilized and effective theoretical magic.

Further, her astute recognition of the particular evils of High Capacity Phoenix Feather Cores made the ministry take bold steps towards banning all wands carrying such components.  After all, killing curses are illegal, so why would anyone want such high-powered assault wands?

Voldemort subsequently taking over the entirety of the ministry using such a wand just proves this point.

Stunning. Brave. Visionary.

2. Lord of the Rings – Rohan, under the rule of Theoden

Under the council of Grima Wormtongue, the otherwise racist Théoden, son of Thengel, instituted an absolute ban of weapons in the Golden Hall of Edoras, making it a safe space for everyone inside.

For a time, this ban worked out really well for Rohan, as its borders were thrown wide open not only for the Dunlendings, who were racially similar to the Rohirrim, but also for the new and diverse Uruk Hai. Rohan seemed well on the way towards becoming a multiracial utopia under the stern but fair oversight of Sauron (PBUH), but alas, all it took was one White Shitlord named Gandalf breaking all the rules of the land by violating the weapons ban, and BAM!

White Supremacy.

3. Hunger Games – Panem

After a series of immensely destructive wars on the American continent, the diverse elites of Capitol City in their infinite wisdom decided to institute a complete weapons ban for citizens throughout the country, opting instead for an annual Hunger Games to be held as part punishment, part outlet for violent tendencies for the plebian class. This system successfully maintains the peace for 74 consecutive years, with only minor peacekeeping missions taking place in the poorer districts of the country, until a certain Katniss Everdeen shows up and decides to rock the boat. Once the resistance is fully armed, shit truly hits the fan, and the country is torn asunder.

Great going, idiot!

4. Wheel of Time – Age of Legends

During this age, all weapons were strictly prohibited for everyone except the elite guardians known as Aes Sedai (who at this time had achieved true gender equality).

Due to a sudden inexplicable onset of male cishet patriarchy however, shitlords decided to go completely overboard and slaughter everyone they could get their hands on.  Some even went as far as using the One Power to destroy mountains and raise new ones, to drain oceans and flood dry land. Cities were wiped out and civilization completely collapsed during this time, only re-establishing itself after the last of the shitlords were dead. In one such instance,  ten thousand Aiel were slaughtered by an evil shitlord, even after trying to dissuade him from the use of weaponry by means of interpretive dance. This shows us that not only can weapons not be trusted, males cannot be trusted either.

Especially not this guy.

5. Warhammer 40,000 – All the other planets

Ever wondered what goes on in all the other planets in the WH40K universe that you haven’t heard of? That’s because in this savage fascist Nazi universe these peaceful, gender equal and diverse planets are doubtlessly so peaceful they hardly merit mention in the minds of the ‘literally Hitler’ authors who write about it.

It is definitely not because these planets have already been brutally exterminated and/or had their population turned into Mutants by Xenos. Definitely not.

Insufficient dakka is actually a good thing.

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About the author: From the frozen wastes of Mercia, this horned world-wanderer brings you tidings from the global interconnected latticework