9 Dishes Guaranteed to Disappear at Your MLK Day Picnic

holiday, humor, listicles

You’ve been invited to your church’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day picnic. You cannot wait to see all your favorite Ungratefuls, but, oh no! What should you bring for the potluck? Any of the grubs below are sure to please even the (cotton-)pickiest nibbers on the block.



1. Scrimps

Bubba Blue(gums) knows what he done talkin’ ’bout

More commonly known as “shrimp” to the melanin-challenged, scrimps can be prepared in so many ways, it’d take a true nibber to really mess them up.


2. Collard Greens

Boil ’em, stew ’em, fry ’em up with pig lard

When Mammy spent her whole day pickin’ these from the field, you have to eat your veggies.


3. Ribs

How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?

These finger-lickin’ meat treats are mandated at any Ungrateful social gathering. Jerk spices and a molasses-based BBQ sauce are highly recommended.


4. Chitlins

‘Chitterlings’ has too many syllables

To be quite frank, I am not even sure what goes into chitlins, but I’m 99% sure it’s gross and would turn my stomach. One thing that’s undeniable, however, is that negroes love this nasty dish.


5. Popeye’s Fried Chicken

Looziana faa-ast

While any fried chicken would likely do, pick up this brand to ensure proper signalling. The spokeswoman is a negress, as are all the workers at this joint. Gibs back to the community with this treat.


6. Pork Rinds

For your gluten-free nibbas

This is like pig skin or spare parts or something that are then fried to an airy crisp. It’s suggested to bring one bag for each partygoer, as they become glued to a groid’s hands once opened, and only detach when emptied.


7. Pickled Pigs Feet

Hoof arted?

Another inexplicably disgusting foodstuff treasured by kangzfolk, pickled pigs feet are available at most local grocers who accept EBT.


8. Sweet Potato Pie

Prelude to Type II diabetes

If you’ve already decided on a main course item to feed the Ungratefuls, consider this perennial dessert as your second offering. And don’t forget the Cool Whip!


9. Watermelon

Tell them the seeds replenish melanin and you might not have to wade through a pile of them

THE classic black dessert, watermelon is sugary, relatively inexpensive, and is easily shared/stolen. While this choice may not be available above the Mason-Dixon Line during MLK’s winter holiday, any Southern gathering would be incomplete without the refreshing crunch of the watermelon.

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About the author: Having already served as the nineteenth President of the United Hates of Amerikkka, Rutherford spends most his time pursuing his true passions: hard-hitting journalism and cheeses. The more fragrant, the better. On both counts.