9 Activities MLK Day Would Be Incomplete Without

holiday, humor, listicles

 Celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is the most important thing any American can do, ever. The question then becomes, though, how do we authentically fete such a man? Look to our list below to get some ideas about how you can show your appreciation and gratitude for all the black community has taught us cave-dwelling, bath-denying savages.



1. Get a Payday Loan

Not sure how to afford our food and drink suggestions? No problem, fam! Just head to your nearest (((microlender))) and get some cash fast.


2. Cheat on Your Baby Mama with Your Side Chick

Don’t worry, she won’t even notice with all the chirrens running around. Just tell her you went to pick up some Newports.


3. Return Stolen Items to Walmart for Store Credit

The best thing about store credit is you don’t need a receipt. The best thing about larceny is you don’t get one!


4. Complain About Wypipo

Not exactly a holiday-specific endeavor, but it’s definitely routine and comfy, and will dovetail well with the rest of this list.


5. Git You Some New Weave

Tired of looking like Moms Mabley? Head on down to your local beauty shop and pick up some pajeetess’ locks and have them sewn in.


6. Protest in a High-Traffic Area

Best done at night. With eyes and mouth closed.


7. Wear Your Church Hat to IHOP

You’ll be the belle of the pancake ball wearing your Sunday’s finest. Extra style points if you can work a boysenberry syrup stain into the headpiece’s pattern.


8. Check in With Your Parole Officer

Not as easy for White allies to engage in, this practice will be mostly limited to actual nogs celebrating this special day. If you’re White, just call your stockbroker or cleaning service and pretend to check in with the Man.


9. Take Your Insulin

The importance of this act cannot be stressed enough, especially if you’ve followed our advice on eating and drinking.

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About the author: Having already served as the nineteenth President of the United Hates of Amerikkka, Rutherford spends most his time pursuing his true passions: hard-hitting journalism and cheeses. The more fragrant, the better. On both counts.