Celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is the most important thing any American can do, ever. The question then becomes, though, how do we authentically fete such a man? Look to our list below to get some ideas about how you can show your appreciation and gratitude for all the black community has taught us cave-dwelling, bath-denying savages.
1. Get a Payday Loan
2. Cheat on Your Baby Mama with Your Side Chick
Don’t worry, she won’t even notice with all the chirrens running around. Just tell her you went to pick up some Newports.
3. Return Stolen Items to Walmart for Store Credit
The best thing about store credit is you don’t need a receipt. The best thing about larceny is you don’t get one!
4. Complain About Wypipo
Not exactly a holiday-specific endeavor, but it’s definitely routine and comfy, and will dovetail well with the rest of this list.
5. Git You Some New Weave
Tired of looking like Moms Mabley? Head on down to your local beauty shop and pick up some pajeetess’ locks and have them sewn in.
6. Protest in a High-Traffic Area
Best done at night. With eyes and mouth closed.
7. Wear Your Church Hat to IHOP
You’ll be the belle of the pancake ball wearing your Sunday’s finest. Extra style points if you can work a boysenberry syrup stain into the headpiece’s pattern.
8. Check in With Your Parole Officer
Not as easy for White allies to engage in, this practice will be mostly limited to actual nogs celebrating this special day. If you’re White, just call your stockbroker or cleaning service and pretend to check in with the Man.
9. Take Your Insulin