The 7 Sexiest Confederate Civil War Generals (Did Your Fave Make The Cut?)

humor, listicles

With all the controversy rightly surrounding the removal of confederate monuments, we’ve perhaps neglected to remember WHO these statues represent… and they happen to be damn sexy fellows. Thankfully, you have BuzzFash to remind you exactly who the most alluring confederate Civil War generals were.

*historical accuracy not guaranteed

1. Stonewall “Lemon Sucker” Jackson

A man chiseled by hardship during his youth, Stonewall Jackson was the original anti-degenerate, avoiding drinking and gambling in the name of Christianity. Combine that with his windswept coif and meticulous mutton chops, add spergy behavior like a penchant for sucking on lemons, and you’ve got a particularly toothsome paragon of the Alt-Right man. Jackson was also known for holding his right arm aloft (AHEM) to alleviate a feeling of imbalance, but that was perhaps mitigated by his left arm’s eventual amputation. What a dreamboat!

2. Jubal “Bad Old Man” Early

If the true measure of a man is how long he can grow his beard, then Jubal Early has you all whooped. Having had a reputation for being an irascible asshole with a knack for creative taunts and breaking plates over the heads of the soyboys of his time, Early is proof that being an aggressive bastard can prolong your life. This hot mofo died as mean as he was born, at age 77.

3. J.E.B. “Beauty” Stuart

Stuart was the dandy of the confederate generals, known for sporting a red-lined gray cape, yellow sash, hat cocked to the side with an ostrich plume, and a red flower in his lapel – not unlike Richard Spencer today. Despite having a short chin that he later grew a significant beard specifically to cover, he was apparently so desirable that after he died at age 31 his wife wore black for the rest of her life to mourn him. Squad goals, fam.

4. Nathan “First Grand Wizard” Bedford Forrest

What do you call a man who’s 6’2″, 210 pounds, filthy rich, tactically gifted, and with cheekbones sharper than his hatred of blacks? That’s right: sexy as hell. Despite being famous for saying “get there first with the most men,” he once charged a brigade and found himself alone and surrounded by enemies – getting himself shot at point blank range by a Union soldier. He then used one arm to lift him by the collar, wielding him as a human shield, and casting the body aside only after he had found his way to safety. Don’t even pretend to not be turned on.

5. Robert “The Rebel” E. Lee

You may know him as the general who surrendered to Grant at Appomattox Court House, but we know him as the magnanimous symbol of enduring Southern heritage. Lee’s the epitome of a man: courageous, accomplished, brilliant, loyal, good-natured, honorable… and those are qualities that add up to PEAK SEXY. This is a goy who could ultimately fail and still be beloved by his people because they just trusted the guy so goddamn much. And though he didn’t look exactly like Mr. Tonight, he was assuredly Mr. Right.

6. John “All Lion” Bell Hood

Talk about a man who can’t be kept down: Hood was shot in the hand with an arrow by an Injun, wounded by an artillery shell that rendered his left arm useless, then survived the amputation of his leg. Think this made him any less devastating to the ladies? Hell no! Nothing turned socialites on like tending to a grievously wounded general who resembled an old-timey Ryan Gosling.

7. Earl “Professional Cuckoo” Van Dorn

Broad in the shoulder, slim in the waist. Piercing blue eyes set in a handsome face. Adorned with a coiffed mustache and hair fancier than Peter Brimelow’s, Van Dorn was the Civil War’s ultimate Chad. And there was only one thing Van Dorn loved more than war: women. Sure, he was married, but that didn’t stop his pursuit of banging chicks in “unchaperoned carriage rides.” Too bad he got caught in bed with one of his side broads (by her cucked husband, no less). That shamed hubby later shot Van Dorn in his office, and was never prosecuted for it. Sometimes a man’s gotta take the law into his own hands.

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About the author: Jimmie is as jimmies rustled.