The excessive consumption of soy in today’s society has led to a wide variety of adverse effects on males everywhere. We at Buzzfash sat down and had a look at some of the most prevalent archetypes:
1. The Nu-Gamer
Predominantly concerned with the amount of POC representation in video games, as well as wanting to elevate video games into an artform, this particular iteration of soyboy pretends to love Wolfenstein II for its diverse judeo-communist cast, but never actually bought the game.
Most of his “gaming” consists of Angry Birds.
2. The Sexual Deviant
Commonly heard before they are seen, these shrill soyboys harbour an intense desire to be sodomized. This type of soyboy is very evanescent, as they tend to rapidly step into full-fledged transgenderism or die of GRIDS.
3. The Cuck
Perfectly epitomized by the phrase “Yes sweetie,” this particular brand of soy-sucking creature tends to be very conflict adverse and prefers caving to his partners whim at every turn. Doing this generally result in an escalating behavior from The Cuck’s partner which will ultimately conclude in her sleeping with other men as he watches, but that doesn’t matter too much to The Cuck, because at some point he learned to like it.
4. The Republican
Usually heralded by a shriek of “these are not our values” every time someone disagrees with Democrats on social issues, The Republican will go out of his way to beseech his supposed political adversaries to approve of his morality. After being physically aroused by telling reporters “I disavow,” The Republican will usually push for another U.S. war so that he gets a chance to blow his thermonuclear load.
5. The Caught-in-a-State-of-Perpetual-Horror
Having successfully attached himself to the judeo-rabid left, this soyboy is acutely aware that being a White male means his status as an “ally” is extremely precarious and prone to violent change at any moment. Having therefore adopted a look of abject terror, the soyboy signals fear, respect, and submission to his POC brethren.
6. The Brawler
The Brawler is extremely hard to catch in real life, observed mostly on the internet or in Lush stores with his female friend. Having mastered the art of war in spirit, The Brawler will usually opine on matters pertaining to hand-to-hand combat despite never having actually been in one single fist-fight. Much like the Triarii of ancient Rome, The Brawler considers it his right to stand (at least) three ranks behind the front-line when engaged in physical conflict. From his strategic vantage point he will usually be seen flinging his feces at the opposition while dishing out handy tips and tricks on how to best take down the evil Nazis.
7. The Sargon
From posting gay black porn on Twitter to asking people if they have child pornography he can use, this supreme king of soyboys has it all. From behind his invincible armor of “12.5% ethnic background” to his sword of tactical nihilism, The Sargon has found his niche in the Skeptic Community, where he preaches diluted Lockeanism to any who fancies themselves lovers of science.
No mere mortal, this enlightened prophet of “What about X?” has perfected his craft to the point where he is no longer able to determine the race of Lawrence Fishburne, let alone pass Turing tests.
Supported by his army of double-digit IQ sycophants, The Sargon plans to reign over the world of Facts and Logic from atop his throne of Dragon-dildos.