7 Hidden Ways You Might be Racist

listicles, politics

1.  You’re White


This may not come as a huge surprise to you, but being White is basically a prerequisite for being racist, in fact you might say that the converse is also true, it is impossible not to be racist if you are White, so you would do well to disabuse yourself of as many notions of Whiteness as you possibly can.

2. You Drink Milk

Though we are rapidly moving towards a racial egalitarian society free of hate, there are some pesky biological differences which simply refuse to adhere to the new reality, one of these is milk. Unfortunately, the prevalence of lactose intolerance displayed in map form corresponds almost exactly to what we imagine Hitler would have considered the Aryan Lebensraum, and as such, every time you drink milk you may as well be chugging a pint of pasteurized race hate.

3. You own dogs

Fido might as well be Cujo to people with diverse skin

Every asked yourself why every other group of people on this planet mistreat dogs? Well, unbeknownst to White people, dogs harbor a secret hatred for everyone who aren’t White. Whether it is through being scared of “unfamiliar environments” or by serving as an unintentional lie detector for their racist owners by sensing their unease around diversity, dogs exhibit a different behavioral pattern around non-Whites, and are therefore racist.

And there’s only one cure for racists.

4. You find members of other races attractive


Jungle Fever. Khazar Craving. Hispanic Hunger. Pajeet Passion. These are but a few of the labels we have for the notions of the notorious White Cis-Het Patriarchal Racist. Since healthy sexuality is anathema to Whites, and especially Christian Whites, it stands to reason that any White man finding the member of another race attractive is actually harboring the secret desire of the colonialist wishing to invade and subjugate the safe spaces of POC. Furthermore, since every sexual act requires consent, and Whites are in a position of power and privilege over POC, every act of miscegenation is actually rape.

5. You DON’T find members of other races attractive

Stunning. Brave. Did we mention Stunning? 

The notorious Charlie Rose sexual harassment case showed us that racism isn’t just expressed by the sick desire to desecrate POC spaces with your phallus. It can also be expressed by the lack of a sick desire to desecrate POC spaces with your phallus. Judging by the account of brave queen Rebecca Carroll (Slaaaaay!), the only thing worse than being a woman in an office environment where men sexually harass you, is having to be a black woman in the same environment and watching everyone get sexually harassed but you.

“And while many of us on staff were subject to Charlie’s unsolicited shoulder massages and physical intimidation, as he towered above us at a height over six feet tall, the women Charlie preferred and preyed upon—at least that I witnessed—were white. It was an environment that all but erased me, while simultaneously exploiting me as a black woman.”

So brave, and stunning.

6. You breathe

I can’t begin to describe how problematic this is.

This one goes without saying. By selfishly absorbing air in order to stay alive, you are consuming precious amounts of the Atmosphere’s 21% Oxygen content, and expelling harmful, racist, carbon dioxide. In other words, not only are you dispossessing POC of a substance they need to live, you are also polluting the environment and affecting climate change with your gasses. To make matters worse, you are also contributing to the lingering effects of Holocaust trauma in Jews, as this expulsion of CO2 technically counts as gassing them.

7.  You are Normal

If there’s one thing to take away from this listicle (although it is not our job to educate you), it is that being a breathing, milk-drinking, dog owning White with a normal sexual appetite is about the worst thing you could possibly be on this planet, and a sin which you cannot redeem. Therefore, you should take the hint and remove yourself from the crust of the earth already you vile, racist, misogynistic, rapist, climate changing scum. But not before voting for Hillary in 2020.

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About the author: From the frozen wastes of Mercia, this horned world-wanderer brings you tidings from the global interconnected latticework