1. When your husband tells you he’s bringing home his new boss for dinner, and the new boss is a gourmet vegan, surprise them both with store-bought meatloaf!
2. When your husband tells you he’s bringing home his new boss for dinner, and the new boss is a clean-and-sober lesbian, pour a lot of wine and propose a threesome!
3. When your new 26-year-old boyfriend phones up from Duluth to tell you he just finished Grandma’s Marathon in under three hours, say, “Oh gawd that’s great! I haven’t done that since I was 35!”
4. The night before your fiancé takes the bar exam for the third time, break out the glass pipe and introduce him to your friend Tina!
5. When your husband wants to send your children to the same private schools he and his sister attended, insist they go instead to the local (nonwhite) public school because “They should get to know the people they’ll have to deal with when they grow up!”
6. When your friends set you up with an “older man” who tells you he’s a Marine Reservist, say, “Oh wow, so like, were you on Guadalcanal in ’42? My granddad always talked about that!”
7. If your husband tells you how his family always decorated their tree on Christmas Eve and kept it up till Epiphany, because Epiphany is the Twelfth Day of Christmas . . . take down the tree on the 26th and put it out with the trash because “Christmas is over!”
8. If your husband is fooling around with his secretary and thinks you don’t know, punish him by bribing a doctor to paralyze his legs and tell him he caught polio from swimming too much!
9. If your husband fooled around too much when he was alive, get sweet posthumous revenge by first marrying a divorced Greek shipping tycoon . . . and then shack up with a Jewish diamond merchant!